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dream 1989

I had this dream the other night that I traveled back in time to the year 1989. It was kinda cool to be back in time, yet still retain all the knowledge of the present. I was excited that I would be able to help others make choices based on my knowledge of their outcome. Then I realized that I wouldn't get to stay and this was only temporary. I decided I should leave my siblings with some information, but then realized that I had to be careful to not change certain timelines. For example, I wanted to tell my sister that she would become pregnant with a man that she wasn't sure she should get married to. But then I realized that if I told her not to get married then my two beautiful nieces wouldn't exist. I couldn't change that, so I thought I would tell her that a person in her life will ask her to move out of state in the year 2002. (By this time she was already pregnant with her 3rd and it wouldn't affect my nieces at all.) I would tell her that she had the free will to make her decision, but know that the hope of it making the difference she was looking for was just that, hope. But as I write this I realize that the move wasn't meant for the change she was looking for, but more for the change she wasn't. The change in herself. The change that has turned her into a beautiful, strong woman who has finally allowed her huevos to drop. She stands up for herself instead of being the turn the other cheek pacifist. I applaud her courage and strength, both for herself and that which she imparts to her children.


I also wanted to lend support and understanding to my other sister. I wanted to tell her that being true to yourself is all that really matters. That she didn't need to hide or be confused because everything around her was telling her how she felt inside was wrong. I wanted to tell her I love her and let her know that she didn't need to be perfect for anybody, not even herself. I just felt if there was someone there growing up who truly understood, perhaps I could have saved her the pain.


I wanted to hug my brother. I wanted to look into his sweet eyes before they truly clouded over with the pain of this world. I wanted to tell him I love him, in truth I wanted to save him from himself. I wanted to leave him with a letter that he couldn't open until February 5th, 2006. But in my heart I knew I didn't want to beg him not to do it. I guess I just wanted him to know that we all loved him very much and could, some of us in time, forgive him for the hurt he would cause. That we knew he was only doing what he felt was the best for himself. Part of me would want to ask for one more day, but I know on that day I would just ask for one more. And then one more, and then one more, and on, and on, until his existence with us was drawn out and he would still be living with the anguish that was his pain. And so I realize that no, I wouldn't beg, I would just say I love you, like I do everyday, and tell him it'll be okay.


I also wanted to tell my youngest brother that right now he had a baby sister, who somewhere, at sometime would do something(s) that would majorly piss him off. But that he would have to get over it, because he couldn't become an adult until he learned to grow up. And if that sister could understand, I would have told her to give him his space so he could learn to love her, before he learned to dislike her.


I realize looking back on my life that the choices we make affect where we are today. And if we could go back and change things we should really figure out what choices, may they be bad or good, can be changed and which ones shouldn't. I know that the choices that eventually led me to my husband are somewhat regrettable by themselves, but in the big picture I wouldn't change them for anything. I am blessed, and I am thankful everyday for what I have. (Yes honey, even when I'm pms'ing and my head spins around! LOL!)

posted by doingwhatilove @ 1:18 PM