Want to know what's up?

Just this...

Sometimes I find myself in that fog my sister refers to. Where everything just kind of runs together, and before I know it too much time has gone by and soon my husband will be home and the house is still a disaster. I try a quick clean up, but nothing can hide the fact that I haven't done any housework. Then even sooner it's time for work, and I realize I've nothing planned for dinner, and not enough milk expressed for Lilli. I want to stay home, I tell myself I'll get things done if I just stay home, but I know that's not true. In reality I would just sit on my butt getting frustrated that the house was a mess, and the kids were driving me nuts.

I awoke the other night, feeling so empty. I had this terrible dream in which I had lost my brothers and my dad. I don't know what had happened to them, but I felt they were lost. Then my conscious took over just enough to make me remember that they weren't all lost just Jon. I woke up to a terrible aching heart, and I wanted to cry. It welled up enough in me, that I couldn't hold back, and I just bawled. My most wonderful loving husband asked me if I was okay, and when he received no answer he took me in his arms and just held me until we fell back asleep.

I can function, I can cope. I still have a family to take care of, and a house that still must be cleaned. I will still go to work, and do the tedium of facing a store. But in the dark of night, in the solitary of my dreams, I find myself haunted by the heartache of it all.

posted by doingwhatilove @ 11:41 AM