Want to know what's up?

life

Ever have a dream that just puts you in a "mood" all the next day. My dream should not be doing this to me, it was irrelevant and made no sense but I know I awoke from it scared. I switched positions with my child so that I could lay next to my husband and feel the protection of his warmth and embrace. It was too brief because shortly after he rolled over. Maybe that is what is bothering me. Not the dream itself, just the lack of comforting I felt I needed. I want to curl up on the couch and do nothing, maybe cry a little, but just sit there. I can't, I took yesterday off and the house shows it. I think about Jon and my heart aches a little more. I know he is on a journey, I know time is different for him, but I wish he would visit me in my dreams.

Sometimes I look at my kids and try to imagine what it was like for my parents as we were growing up. One thing that really gets me is when my children are playing wildly and loudly. Somehow as a parent all you hear is the noise decibel. You don't take the time to hear the laughter or see the smiles on their faces. You're concentrating on something else and the noise is irritating. I find my anger and frustration building as time after time I tell them to calm down, don't do that, stop being so loud. I found myself like that this morning, but somewhere inside of me a voice said, wait, stop and listen. Then I saw not noise, but that my kids, all three, were playing a fun game of chase/tug a war. All three were smiling and laughing, they were being kids. Having fun. Where did I forget that? Where did I turn off the ability to see the world through the eyes of a child? Suddenly all my frustration melted away, who cares if they make some noise, they are playing nicely having fun.

I want to quit work. I can't though because I have insurance, and my husbands doesn't start until September. I also like having some pocket money, although it's gone so quickly because I've been working the bare minimum to keep insurance. I need to talk to my boss and explain to him why I've cut my hours. I don't want him to think that I'm taking advantage of the offer he gave me. I appreciate the getting out of the house part, but lately I've just wanted to hang with my family. I guess right now I just appreciate the ability to stay home more.

posted by doingwhatilove @ 11:43 AM