I spoke with my sister today. In our talking she told me that you could call our brother's cell and hear his voice. So of course I did...
"You've reached Jonathan's phone, I'm either out climbing or hiking...."
I read something once that said the we shouldn't judge the victims of suicide for giving up and losing that battle. We have no way of knowing how many battles they won. How many times they stood victorious in their personal conflicts and said "No, not today. Today I shall overcome, not you." Jon I just want to say good job. Good job for every battle you ever won, every one of your victories allowed us all another day with you. I just miss you so much, and I'm so sorry this battle was too hard. I'm sorry I couldn't help you fight it. I love you.
Almost like Marie Calendar's
Here is a very yummy pie crust recipe:
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup shortening
1 1/4 cups flour
1 TBS sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg yolk
2 TBS ice water
1/2 tsp vinegar
Beat together butter and shortening (fats), and chill. Sift together flour, sugar, salt (dry). Cut fats into dry with pastry blender or fork. Mix together egg yolk, ice water, and vinegar (wet). Add wet to dry/fat mixture, mix until dough ball forms. Refrigerate for 1 hr. Roll out dough between 2 pieces of wax paper. This makes one 8-9" pie shell, double recipe for a bottom/top crust pie. If making a top crusted pie: Beat 1 egg, add water until light yellow in color. Brush this on top crust before baking. Will make an absolutely beautiful pie.
Just this...
Sometimes I find myself in that fog my sister refers to. Where everything just kind of runs together, and before I know it too much time has gone by and soon my husband will be home and the house is still a disaster. I try a quick clean up, but nothing can hide the fact that I haven't done any housework. Then even sooner it's time for work, and I realize I've nothing planned for dinner, and not enough milk expressed for Lilli. I want to stay home, I tell myself I'll get things done if I just stay home, but I know that's not true. In reality I would just sit on my butt getting frustrated that the house was a mess, and the kids were driving me nuts.
I awoke the other night, feeling so empty. I had this terrible dream in which I had lost my brothers and my dad. I don't know what had happened to them, but I felt they were lost. Then my conscious took over just enough to make me remember that they weren't all lost just Jon. I woke up to a terrible aching heart, and I wanted to cry. It welled up enough in me, that I couldn't hold back, and I just bawled. My most wonderful loving husband asked me if I was okay, and when he received no answer he took me in his arms and just held me until we fell back asleep.
I can function, I can cope. I still have a family to take care of, and a house that still must be cleaned. I will still go to work, and do the tedium of facing a store. But in the dark of night, in the solitary of my dreams, I find myself haunted by the heartache of it all.
Breakaway...
So I'm sitting here playing around on the computer when I should really be cleaning the kitchen. I promised a friend I would make her a pie because she was at my house at 8:00 in the morning to watch my kids so I could take my sister and her kids to the airport. But I have to clean the kitchen first. Anyway, I'm listening to the Kelly Clarkson CD I got from iTunes. And the lyrics kinda hit me. These words remind of Jon.
Grew up in a small town, and when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window.
Dreaming of what could be, and if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out, but when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me.
Wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray, I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.
Out of the darkness and into the sun, I won't forget all the ones that I love.
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, though it's not easy to tell you goodbye.
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.
Out of the darkness and into the sun, I won't forget the place I come from.
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.
I miss my brother very much, but I find these words encouraging. Jon knew what he needed to do, and though I don't like
his decision to leave, I realize that he has found peace. Whenever I hear this song I will think of Jon's desire to be free of life's struggles. And know that he was finally able to breakaway. So Jon, wherever you are, I love you much. I'm glad and thankful for the years I got to spend with you. Peace be with you my brother.
Sometimes you just never know...til you ask
I have a new found respect for my husband. (On top of all the other ones) Last night I came home from work grouchy and tired. I wanted nothing to do with the kids, especially my 5 yr old who won't keep her mouth shut even when threatened with bedtime. I was yelling, and there were not so nice things coming out of my mouth. I started arguments with my husband on the most trivial things. My husband finally hit his I've had enough point and told me to stop yelling and be nice. Part of me still felt anger and irritability, but the larger part of me realized I needed to chill. I felt especially bad towards my husband and wanted to apologize. I asked him "Have you ever had those times where it's harder to act nice because you are so frustrated and grouchy. And you have to work at being nice, even though you want to give in to the frustration." He said yes, almost everyday when he comes home from work and sees the house messy. I was shocked. Here is this man that works hard everyday doing physical labor, and then comes home tired. But instead of showing how upset he is at the house, he chooses to focus on the good things. Like getting to see his kids, and his wife. Getting to be home and take a nice long shower and a moment to relax. After how I felt last night I realize how hard it is to choose to be nice even when you don't want to. He makes me want to be a better person. A better mom to my kids, and a better wife. So here I go, to clean my house and make husband happy.
Lament for Jon
Where are you this moment?
only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
a heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
but time keeps us apart.
Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home?
Winter lies before me
now you're so far away
In the darkness of my dreaming
the light of you will stay.
If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
and bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home to me
-Enya
In loving memory...Jonathan William Riutzel 1981-2006
