Want to know what's up?

I am tired of death. I awoke this morning to a depressing realization that my dear friend may not be here when I return after the holidays. It is there in my face, and I am tired of it. It makes me hurt, it makes me feel, it makes me cry. I don't want to deal with this grief. I want to remember my friend and laugh and smile, not choke up with tears. I thought the reason I wasn't going to visit was just because I didn't want to intrude. This is a very emotional and tiring time for her and her family, and I feel somewhat like an outsider. I know she has expressed to me that I am a dear friend to her as well, but I feel that we haven't had enough time.

Time...
Lord, I pray for one more day...please, just one more day with health and energy. A day with peace and comfort, another day with her precious treasures...her children.

I shall pray this everyday, until she can no longer be with us.

I cannot say which is harder, losing a loved one quickly without warning, or losing them slowly and trying to accept the eventual with them. My heart breaks as familiar waves of loss wash over me. I want to be done with this ocean of grief, but I am far from shore. I thought I was done with this, but I realize now that it was just my life preserver holding me up. Almost two years later, and that life vest is water logged, time to swim on my own...

posted by doingwhatilove @ 9:35 AM