I am tired of death. I awoke this morning to a depressing realization that my dear friend may not be here when I return after the holidays. It is there in my face, and I am tired of it. It makes me hurt, it makes me feel, it makes me cry. I don't want to deal with this grief. I want to remember my friend and laugh and smile, not choke up with tears. I thought the reason I wasn't going to visit was just because I didn't want to intrude. This is a very emotional and tiring time for her and her family, and I feel somewhat like an outsider. I know she has expressed to me that I am a dear friend to her as well, but I feel that we haven't had enough time.
Time...
Lord, I pray for one more day...please, just one more day with health and energy. A day with peace and comfort, another day with her precious treasures...her children.
I shall pray this everyday, until she can no longer be with us.
I cannot say which is harder, losing a loved one quickly without warning, or losing them slowly and trying to accept the eventual with them. My heart breaks as familiar waves of loss wash over me. I want to be done with this ocean of grief, but I am far from shore. I thought I was done with this, but I realize now that it was just my life preserver holding me up. Almost two years later, and that life vest is water logged, time to swim on my own...
Something more positive
That last post must be depressing to read everytime y'all check to see if I wrote something new. So here is something more positive, actually they're just things that make me happy, but maybe you'll smile too...
My family-extended
The silly chaotic-ness of it all. The loud, the laughter, the conversations, the getting togethers, the memories, the hugs, the food, the hanging outs. Sometimes you want to hide from it all, but a lot of times you just want to embrace it all.
My family-me and mine
The rhythms, the routines, the laughter, the love, the tears (both happy and sad), the hugs, the kisses, the comfort, the peace, the loud, the quiet, the joy of hope and home, the discoveries, the adventures. It's so encompassing that I really could not wish for anything else. They are my life.
My friends-
The laughter, the love, the support, the hanging out, the playing, the drinking, the relaxing, the O.M.G did you knows? These people are so important because some times all you need is one day to relax with them, and you're ready, refreshed and want to return to your family.
My home-
It's mine, my space, my shelter, my refuge, a place to hold my dearest treasures.
Sewing-
The fabric, the colors, the creativity, the peace, the joy on my child's face when I make them something.
Coffee and cocoa-
The yummy, the hot, the keep away the cold on chilly days.
Painted toenails-
The colors, the make me feel pretty, the makes my feet prettier.
So many more things make me happy, but that would take a lot of space and time. Right now I have sewing to finish, and bread to make. oh yeah...
Homemade bread-
The hot, the yummy, the taste, the work to make something sooooooooooo good.
